Raise the Alarm

8/30/2007

I went to one of my kindergartens today and during a break went to the restroom. I was trying to figure out how to flush, when I noticed a button. Now before I tell you what happened let me give you some history on my poor judgment when it comes to following compulsions and curiosity. When I was in 4^th grade we went on a field trip, on a school bus of course. Everyone knows the red handle on the window that you pull in the event of an emergency. I sat quietly eyeing the temptation for a good hour. I finally caved and gave it a good yank. Bells started ringing and I froze instantly. “Just what have I gotten myself into.”, I thought. The bus driver slowed the bus and my teacher took immediate action. I could see the fury boiling in her eyes. She knew that there was not an emergency yet someone had “cried wolf”. I slumped in my seat. It never occurred to me that there were only a few red levers on the bus so I didn’t flee the scene of the crime. Slowly and methodically she worked her way to the back of the bus. Rabbits aren’t smart creatures. However I chose to imitate one by utilizing their ‘if I can’t see you, you can’t see me strategy’. Avoiding eye contact is a great evasive measure if you can evacuate, if not please try something else (take it from me). Soon I heard angry breathing and felt the searing gaze of born disciplinarian. Her stare bore huge holes in my chest causing my breaths to come in ragged gasps. I fought hard to stave off her stare down. If I could just ignore her for a few more hours maybe we would make it home and I could slip past her and waltz out the door home free. About a second later she crushed me. I cracked and started spilling my guts. I told her I didn’t know what she was talking about. I never even saw that red lever. “No way!! I didn’t pull it. No, I don’t know how it happened. Well maybe I hit it accidentally and the alarm went off. That was probably it. Yeah, I’m sorry I bumped it.” She wasn’t buying. Switch tactics quick. Take someone down with you. “Ok, I pulled it, I didn’t know what it would do, but did you know that someone was throwing paper a few minutes ago. I know who it was.” It ended there. I was sternly reprimanded and I promised to mind my business from then on and control my curiosity. I have a confession to make. I broke that promise today. There are many buttons in Japan. Many of them have fascinating Kanji (Chinese characters) on them. I imagine that they reveal secret passages or release trap doors that shower money on the button pusher. As I was trying to figure out how to flush the toilet I caught a glean of green light and heard the soft whispering of my name. I stopped and listened, yep it was definitely saying, “Ueido, Ueido” (it’s a Japanese button so it uses Japanese pronunciation, of course). I hesitantly called out, “Who is it? What do you want?” It spoke in Japanese and I didn’t understand the words but I definitely understood the meaning. “I am the flushing button, push me NOW!.” I was racked with indecision. “I’m not sure…” I stuttered. “Push me, push me.”, it hissed back. Slowly, I extended my finger and leaned closer. The green light started to dance out of the Kanji on the button. I knew that I was being deceived but my weakness for flashing green Kanji buttons consumed me and I crumbled under the stress. I gave it a quick, sharp jab (in case it tried to bite me). All of a sudden I was back in fourth grade yanking the lever and freezing to the tune of shrill alarm bells. The alarm that sounded shattered the powerful spell of the Kanji button and I sprang into action. I lunged for the door and pulled on the handle. Rejected. I had locked the door. I fumbled with the lock. I tried to remember the code. Did it need to analyze my fingerprint on that touch screen on the wall? Did it use voice recognition software or a retina scan? It had to be one or the other. It was a state of the art lock and the pulsing of the alarm was minimizing the sliver of logical thinking that I am capable of. Finally I cracked it. It was an amazing system, requiring both skill and finesse. I turned the lock and the door opened. I gulped the air of freedom and relished in the warm friendly light of 60 watt light bulbs. I tried to relax and devise a plan. I could flee the building. They would never find me. Plan A: I would cross the border to Mexico before they even realized I was gone…wait that won’t work, I don’t have my passport or a car. Plan B: Hide in the broom closet…nope I would never fit. Plans flew into my brain and were quickly rejected by sound reasoning. (Why can’t planning and sound reasoning ever work together). …Plan K: …nope that will never work there aren’t that many real dragons left in Japan…Plan M: blend in with your adversaries. Ok, now here was a solid plan. Let’s analyze the situation:

Sound Reasoning: Where are you?

Planning: (panting and hopping around like an excited dog) A Kindergarten!!!

SR: Where?

P: Japan!!!

SR: How do you propose we blend in?

P: (no longer so excited) I dunno….

Suddenly it dawned on me that they had me. I am three and a half feet taller than the average occupant of this building and I have pale white skin and curly hair. I slowly curled up on the floor and waited for the prison guards to get me. I heard footsteps. It was one of the teachers. I told her it was me, I had set off the alarm. She laughed. It wasn’t even a cruel laugh. Maybe this would turn out better than I thought. She didn’t know how to turn off the alarm so she went and got someone who did. She turned it off and laughed along with the rest of us. Crisis averted, no punishment, no tears, no death, just a story to embellish into a short novel.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Kanji buttons should not be pushed if you are in a handicap bathroom, even if you do think that it is the flush button. Editors note: It was an automatic flush, had the author stepped to the left or the right it would have triggered the sensor and he never would have been forced to press the button. He really is a genius (heavy on the sarcasm).